I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
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I told you penises don't tan
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
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I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.