I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
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