its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
