I faked an abortion last night.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
