I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
