"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
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