When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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