I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Randomize
