Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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