dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
