Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
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