I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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