Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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