i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
