Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
