i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
