The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
