How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Randomize
