When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Don't make out with my wife yet
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Randomize
