I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Randomize
