I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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