party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
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