yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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