she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
