some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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