I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I will pee on everything he values.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Randomize
