The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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