There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
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