I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Randomize
