His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
im getting my college education on yahoo answers.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Randomize
