First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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