Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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