Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Randomize
