now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
