he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
You're a waste of cheezeits
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
