Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
