Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
