i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
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