I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
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Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
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Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
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