how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
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