when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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