The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
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