I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
