when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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