Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
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