i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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