My friends, they love my intelligence
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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