You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
