I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
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