I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Randomize