I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I think weed is turning my hair brown
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
