i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
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