'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize