How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
