saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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