I got chris browned last night
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Randomize
