im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
do herpes really smell.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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